Major Quality of Life changing decision ~ Endometrial Abaltion

It's time. I need to make a serious decision about my heavy cycles. I have had another bad episode this month and I need relief. I want the heavy bleeding to go away, the pain, the fatigue, and the bad headaches from so much blood lost. I have been struggling with making a "permanent" solution decision, as I know it will cancel out my chances of ever having a child again. Though I am almost positive that I won't have anymore kids, I think I have held out on the possibility to have one with my future husband. It's one of the things I have always desired, because I had two kids by myself.

But, my quality of life is most important to me. I have struggled with the idea of a hysteretomy because it just seemed so final. I have recommended for birth control, the Merina IUD..etc. And none of these procedures will give me the relief that I need. I really don't have any other option, other than thinking about something on a more permanent basis.

A girlfriend of mine told me about Endometrial Abaltion procedure that might be my solution. This procedure will cauterize my uterus, scarring it and making it impossible to have a "cycle." I will still have my uterus, but I will not be able to have anymore children. I mean, I have to be realistic. I have two children, I am 40, not dating seriously and definitely do not have any marriage prospects on the horizon....so what is my heistation????.....I just think plain FEAR!!!

I have a message into my doctor to consult about this procedure. It's time for a solution.

Computer Keyboard OVERLOAD!!!!

I have been typing ALL daying on this document and I am trying to understand........Why I am still here???? I can't see the computer screen anymore, everything is blending in and my fingers hurts, but yet and still, I am here at work on overload, trying to continue typing!! And I delusional, mad with fatigue? I am WILLING myself to leave the office and take my tired BUTT home!!! Pepperoni pizza, here I come!

The Stress is on......

I am taking a break and trying to relax from this Guide book that will need to be printed, published and published on our website. This guide will be deliver to all our schools in the district. Last year was a FIASCO!!!! We had wrong information, poor grammar, typos...etc. MIND you, we proof everything......Well, long story short.....our department didn't look too good behind that. My boss was embarrassed as well as the whole department. I took it harder than anyone else...mainly because I had to assemble information for various sources and NOTHING was correct. I had been with the department only a few weeks and I felt it gave them an impression that I was not as good as I know I am.

The person I was helping out was/and is an immature, control, attention getter freak......she would bitch and moan about having too much work, but if something was to be removed from her desk, she would make an excuse up why she needed to keep it. She didn't give me alot information needed to do the book correctly. Well, that was last year and this is a NEW YEAR!!!

I am working longer hours, keeping edits in a structure format and really pulling things in. Last year was so stressful, but this year is even more because we are setting a high standard to have this publication FLAWLESS!!!!!!

Errors and mistakes are not an OPTION!!! It must be perfect......it will be PERFECT, MISTER!!! LOL...okay....I am down back to earth in the real world. I realize that there will be human error, but it want all to be very minor. I just had a co-work test me about some changes on one of the documents. We do need people who are good proofers, grammarically correct, but have a OPEN mind that we do not need to be condenscending!!!! My department has that so bad!! Okay....WOOOOO-SAAAAA!!!!

Alright, it's back to the grind!

My Bucket List

I watch the movie "Bucket List" a few months ago, and really like the concept of the movie. More than naught, we always say that we want to do this or that, want this or that and do not follow through for one reason or another.



So, I am creating MY bucket list checklist of things I would like to do, while I am still able to and I will come and check off each thing I have done. (I am going to periodically update with new things that come to mind)



Bucket List Checklist

( ) Been to Europe (Italy, Spain, Greece)

( X ) Been on a cruise

( ) Been to Canada

( ) Been to Mexico

( ) Been to Florida

( ) Been to Vegas

( ) Swam in the ocean

( ) Watch a sunset and sunrise with someone you love

( ) Get a kiss under a mistletoe

( ) Dance in the Rain

( ) Been to Hawaii

( ) See Cherry Blossoms in Washington, DC

( ) Been to Eygpt

( ) Pay It Forward to someone

My New Toy ~ G1 by TMobile

• I am one week and two days from getting my G1 phone from T-Mobile. I am so excited and literally looking at my Blackberry Pearl like it's so OLD!! Lol.....knowing good and well it's not. I have always had a thing for the newest Technology coming out. The 3 best features of the G1 is:

* The touch screen feature
* 3G Network
* Wi-fi feature (a MUST need feature because my parents live WAY out)

I originally wanted the Bronze phone.....but I think I am going to end up with the white one. It's has kind of a pearly contrast...something that I like alot. I just hope it doesn't get dingy and dirty looking like most "off white" things do.

I am also hoping to get another Bluetooth and a Doone Burke carrier for my phone also. Whoooo-Hooo!!

Huggable Hangers by Joy Mangano ~ MUST BUY

My newest investment is huggable hangers by Joy Mangano!! My girlfriend called told me that she was coming over and going to bring some of these hangers over. I said alright, althrough, I don't get all excited over "hangers". My closet space diminished greatly when I moved from my apartment into my house I am renting. So, my clothes are stuffed into my closet with no room to spare.

I really didn't think these hangers were going to make a different, but I was SO wrong. When my girlfriend got there, she pulled out a huge section of my closet and started taking off my old hangers and putting them on the huggable ones. Once she got everything hung on the hangers, she put them back in the closet. I immediately noticed how my clothes laid better and I had some "room"......I was really amazed at the difference. The next day, we met up and she brought what she had left and I couldn't wait to get home to hang some more of my clothes.

Huggable hangers gets 2 thumbs up and a circle!!

Blogging Addiction

Okay, it's offical, I am addicted to "blogging".....it's just wonderful way for me to let go and free my mind. At times, my mind can go a hundred different ways and I able to create journal, specific to this "things"....lol.....I have to be careful thought, because I might end up with blog overload.


Today has been pretty quiet at work. My boss is out sick, but our department is still moving like ants getting ready for a long winter.


There is still a bit of a stormy layoff cloud looming on the horizon. Most people feel that the financial service department will be "Re-orged". Thus, created another wave of "fear"......but honestly, for the most part, everyone is pretty mellow right now.


But, next week is a different story!!!

MY beauty is also SKIN deep....not just on the surface!!

Okay, I just need to get this off my chest.....going natural was one of the most freeing moments of my life. I don't know if anyone can understand that, but it was a release that I could feel in my soul. Maybe it had to do with the "I have always" had long hair snydrome or free from the fact that the men in our family related "true beauty" with long hair. If you didn't have long hair, you weren't as pretty.

When I went natural, my grandfather was so hurt, as well as my father. No matter how much I SAID I liked it, he just would shake his head and say "Well, I don't!!" After that, every time I have seen my grandfather, (I do love him to pieces) he would make a comment or something about my hair. "When are you going to do something to your head?" "When are you going to make yourself pretty for me again"....I remember looking at him and saying "Papa, I am still pretty"....And he looked me dead in my face and said "No, you aren't as pretty! You lost your beauty when you cut your hair off.

I am not going to pretend that it didn't sting to hear him say that. I just looked at him and said "Well, Papa...I am sorry you feel that way, but I love my hair like this and it will be a long time or if ever before I process my hair again. Naturally my grandmother would come to my defense, but he negative and hurtful words just kept ringing and ringing in my head. I thought "Wow, is he that closed minded that he can't see my inner beauty as well as my outer....because I don't have hair cascading down my back.....I am less beautiful to him?" I mean....this is my grandfather.......besides my father and my son.....the only other male that means everything to me.

Maybe it shouldn't bother me......but it does. I think so much emphasis is put on outer beauty, some people forget that inner beauty can OUT SHINE outer beauty in a heart beat!!! Now, I am not saying that I want to be a walking mud duck, but I try to take of both my inner and outer beauty together...not one above the other......

That's today's "State of Mind" for me.......

It Ain't Ova!!! Another round of layoffs coming....

Just when we thought is was safe to go back into the water, an all Finance meeting was called on Tuesday by the CFOO. The objective of this meeting was to give an "update" as to what would be happening with the financial service division. The CFOO gave a brief and un-informative speech. As I sat in this meeting and glanced around the room, there were grim, confused and angry looks on people faces.

Most people felt that it was a waste of their time to go to this meeting because they didn't know anymore than what they knew when they went in. Several employees expressed their anger and frustration loudly. Not that I blame them, but I am not going to show frustrations here at work. The CFOO is encouraging people to use the EAP program, which is a wonderful tool, but that is not going to help people to understand what is really going on.

From what I can tell, there will be a reorg based on what the STATE will give us for our budget and that will not happen until March. The outlook is looking grim and the budget department could be really cut down to a skeleton crew.

All I can do is hope and pray for the best!

Epitome of "Family Togetherness"

This weekend, my family was the epitome of what "Family Togetherness" represents........Support, encouragement, prayer, unconditional love, tears of joy, tears of sorrow, happiness, laughter, hugs, caresses, kisses on the cheek, grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, second cousins, sisters, brothers, babies and little kids laughter filled this whole weekend.

The phrase, "The family that prays together, crys together" has a whole new meaning for me. My cousin's death, brought us together in a way, I haven't seen in a long time. Not since I was a kid...I mean, we always have get togethers and fun, but usually someone is leaving early or not showing up at all. But this weekend, the old "Family get together" feeling was there. It was 1:00am before anyone thought of leaving, board games were going, conversations in two different living rooms were happening, babies being passed around from family member to family member.....you could just stand back and watch my family love for each other flow throughout the house.

I hold my grandparents responsible for this. They laid the foundation down for us to understand what it is to be a "family" through ALL times....good or bad.

There is NOTHING like a family that love one another.....

A senseless loss of a wondeful life ~ My letter to Wes

My handsome cousin Wesley,

I know that you have left us for something better....but how do we get past the empty hole that is left here our hearts? A place that you occuppied? I have been trying to understand "why"? Why were you taken from us when you were doing so good. I visited you on your website and I noticed that your hair grew out......I remember you use to wear your hair like that when you were a kid. This picture of you praying and crying out....it's touchs my heart and soul. Because I could really see how GOD had touch your life and deepened your spirtual life.

It's not fair that you were taken from us so early. SO unfair. I will never get to see that winning smile of yours again......you know the one, that lit up your face, that could have the ladies swooning at you......the one that made all of us hug you a little tighter when we seen you. I dreamt about you last night......you were just running on a football field....with a football in your hand....we were standing on the sidelines cheer and yelling, the way us Rainwater's do.....as you ran past us, you stopped, looked at us, flashed that smile and continued running to the to the end zone. This end zone was lit up and shining.........as we watched, you were running fast and fast, then you were in the air...floating towards the end zone.....and we could here you say "Family, don't cry and don't hurt....I'm alright...I am free"



I remember waking up and my face was wet. Was that your way of tell me/that you are okay? I laid there in the dark....thinking about every memory I could of you. Your time was soo short with us, but you made such a impact on our lives......

What are you going to do without you here? I promised myself that I would be happy about the change in your life and I am, but I wish we could have shared in it together as the family we are....not after you are gone forever from us. Please check in on Chris for time to time....he is feeling so lost without you. Give him peace of mind and let him know that "Dude, it's cool"...and hug him.

I love you, Wesley and I will miss you so much.